


Flatpacked

by Beleriandings



Category: Torchwood
Genre: Aliens, F/M, Friendship, Gen, Gratuitous references to home furnishings, Hijinks & Shenanigans, IKEA, M/M, Team as Family
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-17
Updated: 2020-05-17
Packaged: 2021-03-02 22:34:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,946
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24224404
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Beleriandings/pseuds/Beleriandings
Summary: Rhys has a day off, and decides to spend it peacefully looking at homeware in Ikea. He's not expecting to bump into one of his wife's coworkers there; much less, a shapeshifting alien that likes to eat batteries.But then again, that's Torchwood for you.
Relationships: Gwen Cooper/Rhys Williams, Ianto Jones & Rhys Williams, Jack Harkness/Ianto Jones
Comments: 32
Kudos: 156





	Flatpacked

**Author's Note:**

> Okay so this thing exists because of the wonderful [engagemythrusters](https://archiveofourown.org/users/engagemythrusters/pseuds/engagemythrusters), who posted a picture of Ianto on the Hub sofa, and we got talking about it...the eventual conclusion being that we needed a Big Finish audio story starring Rhys and Ianto, where they go to Ikea and fight aliens, and like, become friends and stuff. Unfortunately this is not a real audio, but through the power of fanfic I can make such a story exist! So this is it. Really hope you enjoy this nonsense, since I had so much fun writing it.

“Come on! Follow the arrow... no, that way! Split up! ...You go that way, try to get it through the door. I’ll get it if it comes out on this side.”

Ianto skidded to a halt on the linoleum floor, pressing himself up against the wall and peering around the corner. He could hear movement, rustling of the curtains that hung across the blanked out window. He pressed himself back into the plasterboard, hand on his stun gun under his overcoat as he edged towards the archway cut in the plaster.

On the other side was a child’s bedroom, all colourful sheets and twinkling fairy lights. Ianto frowned, listening to the sound of scuffling from behind the wall.

Steadying his breathing, he drew the stun gun and held it up in one hand, holding a yellow plastic shopping bag in the other hand. He steeled himself for a moment before darting around the corner and aiming at the source of the sound–

–And drew back at the sight of two children, a boy and a girl, giggling as they hid in the corner of the room.

Ianto hastily put away the stun gun – keeping the plastic shopping bag to hand - as the little girl waved at him. “Hello, mister. Are you a secret agent?”

“N...something like that” said Ianto. “Listen, you haven’t seen a fluffy little...” he gestured, “round thing, six arms. Blue. About the size of a cat. One single big eye, right in the middle of its forehead.”

The boy and the girl looked at each other. Slowly the boy picked up a stuffed toy from the bed, a price-tag dangling off it. Sure enough, it was fluffy and blue, with six lumpy arms and a single, sewn-on eye made of cloth.

Ianto sighed. “You know what? Never mind. I’ll–”

And then a voice came from behind him; a woman’s voice, sharp and annoyed. “Philip! Jenny! There you bloody are, I’ve been looking all over for you! Your dad’s waiting down by the checkouts, He’s been there for ages!” Ianto hastily got out the way as she marched over, glaring at him as she hustled the children away. “And I don’t know what you think _you’re_ doing here, skulking around the displays! Bloody disgraceful! You’re lucky I don’t report you to security, only I’d rather get out of this place and go home.”

“I was just going” Ianto told her, as the boy giggled and the girl gave him a little wave.

With a final glare, the mother grabbed her children’s hands and marched them out.

Ianto sighed, sitting down on the too-small bed and leaning back against the wall. Above him there was a net tied to the upper walls of the showroom bedroom, in which hung a pile of the same blue stuffed toys as the one on the bed beside him, staring down at him with their cloth eyes.

Ianto closed his eyes for a moment, catching his breath and taking the chance to listen. Here, the sounds from the shop outside were a little muffled – though he could still hear the tinny music on the speaker system, the sounds of people walking by, the yelps of children and the clatter of dishes in the cafeteria. He could smell food too, which made him remember he hadn’t eaten since lunch with Gwen and Jack in the Hub.

Still, no time for that now. He had a job to do, he thought, straightening up.

And then there was a high-pitched screech, and something fuzzy, wriggling, and distinctly alive fell down on top of his head.

* * *

_**[Earlier that day]** _

“Jack” Gwen said, bouncing up and down on the cushions, “has anyone ever told you this sofa is really bloody uncomfortable?”

Jack didn’t reply, and a moment later she realised this was because he was in his office, talking on the phone; she could see his back through the circular window.

But as she looked, she saw Ianto approaching her from the coffee machine. “ _I’ve_ told him that” he said, putting her coffee cup down on the side-table and coming to sit down beside her. “Very regularly.”

“Not only uncomfortable, but ugly as sin” said Gwen, picking at the fabric and making a face of distaste. “Brown tartan… _eugh_. And it doesn’t even go with anything else in this place! Too… eighties. Not that the Hub ever had a consistent aesthetic.” She laughed at the surprised look on Ianto’s face. “Been looking at a lot of furniture catalogues lately” she said, by way of explanation. “Rhys keeps bringing them home.” She sipped her coffee. “Mm, cheers Ianto, this is just what I needed.”

He nodded graciously, sipping his own coffee. “And you?” he asked, after a moment. “Do you have strong opinions on household furnishings? Or is it all Rhys?”

She turned to look at him. “Oh, of course, I’ve got _opinions_ ” she said, shrugging. She smiled ruefully. “Only, his are actually based on taste and mine tend to be based on what will drive his mum up the wall the most.”

Ianto laughed, taking a sip of coffee. “Pettiness is as good an aesthetic influence as any other” he said, solemn.

She laughed too. It was good to laugh again; after Tosh and Owen, it had been so long that they’d just been existing, trying to get through every day. But now more than ever, she and Ianto had a kind of easy camaraderie where, during the rare moments when all was quiet, they could just sit on the sofa and drink coffee, talking about everything and nothing. “Yeah” she said. “It just all feels so...” she gestured. “Weird, you know? We’re _married_ , now. Rhys wants to buy a house soon, and we’re shopping for cushions, and here _we_ are fighting aliens in our day jobs and it’s just...” she shook her head. “I dunno. Even though Rhys knows what we do now, it’s still like two different worlds.”

Ianto was silent for a moment, nodding. “Yeah. I can imagine.”

“...Can you?” said Gwen, her curiosity getting the better of her suddenly. She scooted a little closer to Ianto; apart from anything else he looked entirely too pensive, so she thought some light teasing was in order. “What about Jack then, hmm? Does he have strong opinions on home furnishings? Has he ever tried to redecorate your flat?”

Ianto’s hesitation was so brief that anyone who hadn’t known him quite so well would have missed it. But a moment later he tilted his head and gave her an incredulous look. “He’s lived in this place more or less solidly for a century and a bit. What do you think?”

“Oh, so the sofa was Jack’s doing then?”

Ianto picked at the cloth of the sofa seat. “If not directly, then by inaction. And many people would say that failing to prevent a morally reprehensible act makes you just as responsible for it as the perpetrator.”

She laughed, and was about to reply when Jack’s voice interrupted, from the door of his office.

“Didn’t seem to be complaining about it last night Ianto, when you had me bent over–”

The shattering of Gwen’s coffee cup on the floor interrupted him, as she rocketed to her feet. “Stop right there” she shouted. She glared at him, then gave Ianto a wounded look. “You could’ve told me you two shagged on this thing before I sat down on it!”

Ianto had already bent down to pick up the larger pieces of her shattered coffee mug. “I hate to be the bearer of bad news, Gwen, but that would–”

“–Exclude practically every flat surface in this place, yeah” she said with a resigned sigh, going to help him.

“And some of the non-flat ones too!” Jack put in.

“You can pipe down, Harkness” said Gwen sternly.

“Oh, _well_ , that’s me told” said Jack, raising his eyebrows. “Anything interesting happen while I was on the line with the PM?”

“Nope” said Ianto. “Still nothing. The Rift’s decided to go quiet, for reasons best known to itself.”

“So you resort to complaining about the furniture” said Jack. “Every time, with the Welsh complaining.”

“Well, count yourself lucky. We could be complaining about you” Gwen pointed out.

“Uh, pretty sure you _were_ complaining about me.”

“As good a way to pass the time as any” said Gwen. She sighed. “You know, Rhys has a day off today. We could’ve gone to look at tea-towels like he wanted, at this rate.”

“I need you on call” said Jack. “We gotta be–”

“...Ready, yeah, yeah, I know” said Gwen. She sighed, getting some paper towels to help Ianto mop up the spilled coffee from the floor. Not that most of it was on the floor; most was on the sofa, another spreading stain amidst the brown. “Sorry love, I didn’t mean to spill that.”

“I can make you another one.”

“Ooh, feel like making one more?” said Jack hopefully.

Ianto smiled. “Not like there’s much else to do.” Then he made some move to roll his eyes, as Jack took his hand and kissed the back of it, then collapsed across the sofa dramatically.

“My saviour...”

“Jack, you’re lying in the spilled coffee” said Ianto, making a face of disapproval; the smile at the corners of his mouth gave him away though, Gwen thought.

Jack didn’t say anything, but shuffled along to one side with a fond roll of his eyes, pulling himself a little more upright so he wasn’t touching the coffee stain.

Gwen perched very precariously on the back of the sofa, flicking Jack’s ear gently. “Call with the prime minister go well then?” The face he made told her everything she needed to know. “Okay, let’s talk about something else” she said, hastily.

Jack raised his head, pressing down on the sofa cushions with distaste. “You’re right, you know. This sofa isn’t very comfortable.”

She raised an eyebrow at him. “Didn’t notice that last night?”

He gave her a pleased-looking smile. “I had... other things on my mind.”

“Well, maybe we should get a new sofa” she said.

“No way!” said Jack. “This one has way too much sentimental value!”

“Is that what they’re calling it these days” muttered Gwen. “Anyway, I didn’t say get rid of it. It’s practically a piece for the archives” she said, accepting a new mug of coffee from Ianto with a muttered word of thanks. “We could get a new one. There’s plenty of space in here. We could shift the furniture around a little.”

“ _Now_ you’re talking like someone who’s been looking at a lot of home furnishings catalogues” said Ianto, passing Jack his mug and going to sweep up the rest of the smashed china with a brush.

“Bloody right I am” said Gwen, rooting in her handbag and triumphantly pulling out an Ikea catalogue. She beckoned the other two over. “Come on, boys. The Rift is so quiet we practically live in this place now. We should at least make it liveable.”

* * *

An hour and a half later, the catalogue thoroughly marked in red pen, they’d settled on a new sofa for the Hub. As well as that, Jack had chosen a new set of towels for the communal showers and a few more weird-looking ornaments and tchotchkes for his desk, Gwen had picked out some new cutlery for the shared kitchen, and Ianto had unilaterally decreed that he was buying Jack a new mattress for his bunker, allowing no room for argument. (“ _Because_ ”, he had said, “ _given that I sleep there as much as you do I should also get a say_.” Jack had tried to protest, until Gwen had voiced her support for Ianto, and they’d argued about it for a few minutes before Jack had conceded defeat.)

All of which was why Ianto was now driving the SUV down the motorway out of the city centre, on his way to Ikea.

And that was also how he found himself wandering around the upstairs show room, inhaling the smell of food from the cafeteria and wondering whether he should buy himself a new kitchen chair for his flat while he was here – the last one having been damaged during Jack’s last visit, on account of the fact that it _really_ wasn’t designed for two whole adult men, or indeed for strenuous physical activity – when his shoulder bumped someone else's, walking in the other direction.

“Sorry mate” Ianto heard the other man say. And just as the familiarity of the voice registered, “wait... Ianto? That you?”

* * *

Rhys was standing in a show bedroom, lost in thought. Those curtains were nice; he wondered if Gwen would like them. He wondered if he should text her a picture. No, she was probably busy, he thought. Torchwood left her with little time to look at home furnishings; Rhys didn’t begrudge her that. Of course not.

One day though, he thought, following the arrow on the floor into the living room section. One day, they’d get it right, this balance between her life and his, aliens and living room furnishings and the trappings of normal life. It might take a while, but he’d signed up to take the time when he married her, and he knew it would be worth it.

But for now, Gwen was at work. Probably saving the world, he thought with a smile.

He walked around the corner, accidentally knocking into a man coming the other way. “Sorry, mate” he said, and then did a double take. Then blinked a few times. “Wait... Ianto?” he said. “That you?”

“...Rhys!” Ianto’s surprised face broke into a smile. “Always a pleasure.”

“Yeah, same” said Rhys, accepting Ianto’s proffered handshake; it was oddly formal, as though they were at some sort of business meeting rather than bumping into each other in the showroom at Ikea. But then, Ianto was, as always, wearing an immaculate suit; Rhys hadn’t seen him in anything else, so he supposed that was just how Ianto was. “What’re you doing here?” he asked. He frowned, dropping his voice with sudden suspicion. “I mean… is this a Torchwood job, or...”

Ianto tilted his head. “You could say, that, I suppose. We’re doing a spot of redecoration in the Hub.”

“About time” said Rhys. “That place could do with a lick of paint. Or a full renovation.”

“Nothing that ambitious” said Ianto. “Just some new furniture.”

“Baby steps, and all.” He looked around. “Is Gwen here with you then?” he narrowed his eyes. “Or Jack?” Somehow, he suspected that meeting Jack while furniture shopping would feel even more surreal than meeting Ianto.

Ianto shook his head. “Just me. They’re back at the Hub, on Rift duty.” He shrugged. “But it’s been a quiet day.”

Rhys nodded; he was about to reply, when something in Ianto’s jacket pocket began to beep.

* * *

Ianto rolled his eyes. _Rift alert_. “Hang on a second” he told Rhys, apologetic as he pulled out his PDA.

“Oh?” Rhys looked as though he was trying to keep himself from peering curiously over Ianto’s shoulder at the screen, or at least to not be too obvious about it. “Need to rush off and fight some aliens, is it?”

“Potentially” said Ianto, with a sigh. “Gwen and Jack are back at the Hub, so if it’s something in town it might be quicker for them to – _oh_.”

“Hmm?”

Ianto looked up, and all around him, then back down at the PDA.

“What?” prompted Rhys.

“...Rhys, you didn’t see anything… _weird_ on the way in, did you?”

Rhys thought seriously about this for a moment. “I did see a little girl who'd stolen as many of those tiny pencils as she could carry. Falling out her pockets they were. Her parent’s’ll not know what to do with them when she gets that lot home. ...Oh! And there was a man eating one of those ice-creams you get from the cafe at the front, right, and as soon as he stepped out the doors a seagull flew down and grabbed the whole thing! That was pretty weird. ...Poor guy.”

“No, not that sort of weird” said Ianto, indicating the PDA. “More like–”

But at that moment, his earpiece crackled into life. “Ianto!” he heard Jack’s voice say in his ear. “That Rift alert just now–”

“Right here, I know” said Ianto.

“See anything on your end? Because the readings we’re getting suggest something came through…”

Ianto sighed. “Nothing yet. But I’ll do a sweep of the place.”

“Good” said Jack. “We’ll be there soon. ...Also, any particular reason you took the SUV with you to Ikea, or just because it looks cool?”

“My car’s getting its MOT right now. Also, the SUV’s better for carrying furniture” said Ianto, slightly defensively. “All that space in the boot.”

“Useful for alien corpses and flatpacks” said Jack, laughing. “Okay, hang on, we’ll be there in a bit.”

“See you soon” said Ianto, looking around again. “Oh, and tell Gwen I’ve got Rhys here with me.” He was looking at Rhys, who was making waving motions. “He says hello, apparently.”

“Wait, what–” Jack began, but Ianto had already closed the connection.

A moment later though, he heard another voice in his ear. “Ianto Jones, are you shopping in Ikea with my husband?!?” he heard Gwen’s voice demand.

He couldn’t resist a guileless smile. “Jealous?”

He heard her eyeroll in her voice. “Okay, you’ve _definitely_ been spending too much time with Jack.”

“It’s fine, Gwen” Ianto reassured her. “Rhys is here with me. He says hello. We’re both fine, and we – _augh_!”

Ianto lost his balance, stumbling to his knees as something fell down on the back of his head from above.

* * *

“Ianto? _Ianto_ , can you still hear me?” Gwen paced across the Hub, practically shouting into her comm. Frowning, she took out the earpiece and peered at it, before putting it back. “Ianto? Where’ve you gone?” _Nothing_. “Jack, I’ve lost Ianto” she said. “I’m going to try his phone–”

“Already on it” said Jack, appearing at her side with his mobile. Rapidly, a frown appeared on his face as the phone rang. “Ianto!” he said, after a moment. “What’s going on over – wait, Rhys? What’s going on? ... _What?_ Wait, Rhys, come back... _Rhys!_ ” After a moment, Jack lowered the phone. “Damn it!”

“Rhys...” Gwen stared at him, wide-eyed. “Rhys is really there?”

“So it would seem” said Jack, looking as confused and distressed as she felt. “And I think something’s happened to Ianto. His phone just cut out. There was some sort of noise, like a chittering sound... could be whatever’s come through.”

“Right, get the car going. I’ll phone Rhys on the way” said Gwen. She caught his arm. “Jack” she said firmly. “They’ll be fine... won’t they?”

Jack smiled, pausing to turn back to her. “’Course they will.”

* * *

Ianto was breathing, that much Rhys had figured out. But even though his eyes were open, staring up at the bright ceiling lights, he didn’t seem to be responding.

Rhys was leaning down over Ianto’s still form – having pulled him into a show bedroom, laying him clumsily on a bold-patterned chaise - and trying to figure out what the hell he was supposed to do now, when his phone rang. He ignored it. “Hey! Ianto, wake up!” he shook Ianto’s shoulder, glancing around furtively. “Listen, I don’t know what’s going on, but–”

His phone rang again. “ _Fuck_ ” said Rhys, pulling it out of his back pocket; he was about to click off the call, when he saw that it was Gwen. He breathed a sigh of relief, flipping open the handset. “Gwen! Thank god. Listen, I’ve got a bit of trouble here, something’s happened to Ianto–”

The voice on the other end of the line was not the one he’d been expecting. “Gwen’s driving, so you got me” said Jack, brusque and impatient in Rhys’s ear. “What’s going on? Is Ianto okay?”

At that moment, Rhys saw Ianto sit up with a groan, hand pressed to his forehead as he blinked in the light. He breathed a sigh of relief. “He’s fine” he said.

“Good. Put me on with him.”

“Alright, alright, Captain Bossy. No need to say please” grumbled Rhys, but he handed Ianto the phone. “It’s Jack. Wants to talk to you.”

Ianto blinked rapidly a few more times, then took the phone. “Jack” he said. He paused, listening for a while. “Yeah, it grabbed my earpiece, then knocked me out somehow.”

“It also got your phone” Rhys told Ianto, “right after I answered it.”

Ianto nodded. “Also, my phone. Yep, that was then. Yeah, it was… hmm, yeah… maybe. No, nothing like that.” He listened again, a lot longer this time. “Okay, understood” he said, at last. “...Yeah, I’m fine. I’m _fine_ , Jack, stop _fussing_ … yeah. Okay, I’ll tell him. See you soon.”

Ianto ended the call, handing the phone back to Rhys. “Thanks” he said.

“No problem.” Rhys squinted. “You… okay?”

Ianto ran his hand over his face again. “...Yeah” he said, wobbling a little as he stood up, leaning heavily on a bedside cabinet. He frowned, before steadying himself. “Jack thinks whatever came through the Rift is something he’s seen before. Some sort of shapeshifter.”

“Typical!” Rhys rolled his eyes. “I bloody hate shapeshifters!”

“Me too” said Ianto, grimacing. “But this one’s not like the one at the wedding. For a start it's small, much smaller than your average human. Also, prefers to stick to one shape if possible, but could look like anything it sees” he said. “It also has a stinger that can deliver a small dose of a toxin… enough to paralyse an adult human for a few minutes. Basically, what it did to me a moment ago.” Ianto winced, rubbing the nape of his neck, where Rhys could see a small, round puncture wound now that he looked. Ianto started pacing. “Thank you, by the way” he said, looking around. “If you hadn’t dragged me in here then someone might've seen me unconscious, and then we’d have a panic on our hands.”

“You’re welcome, mate” said Rhys. “Just thought, you know, it’s better if no one else finds out–”

But at that moment he was interrupted by a scream from around the corner, followed by hurrying footsteps.

“You were saying?” said Ianto, with a resigned sigh, starting to pull himself to his feet.

Rhys offered him a hand. “Come on” he said, as Ianto leaned heavily on him. He frowned. “Uh... you sure you’re okay?”

Ianto nodded. “I’ll be fine; we’ve even got a universal antitoxin back at the Hub. Anyway, it was only one sting. Barely any after-effects.” He slightly belied his words by clutching on to the back of the chair for support. “But we’re going to have to be careful. Also, if it’s the creature Jack thinks it is, it’s partial to the taste of battery acid... something about feeding off the electrolytes. Which at least explains why it went straight for my earpiece and my phone. So, we’re likely to find it anywhere there’s anything battery operated.”

Rhys couldn’t help being a little impressed. “How do you know all that?”

“Easy” said Ianto, as the two of them started jogging through the lighting section, following the arrows. “We’re constantly monitoring the Rift energy all over town. When the spike came up here just now, the systems picked it up automatically, and the Hub’s computer system broke down the energy spectrum. The energy pattern told us there were likely to be only one of whatever came through, and the approximate size. Gwen cross-referenced with the creature database in the archives before they left, setting the results to redirect to her PDA while driving. If we’ve encountered it before, a database search usually narrows it down to a few possibilities. Not that we even needed to do that this time, though; after talking to us, Jack knew straight away, because he encountered something similar in the eighties. Apparently one tried to disguise itself as a chihuahua, only it kept crunching triple As. Bit of a giveaway really.”

“...Yeah. Expect that’d do it.”

There was another yell from a different direction, and more footsteps.

Ianto smiled grimly, and to Rhys’s slight alarm, drew a stun gun from its holster, keeping it half hidden under his jacket. “Now” he said, tilting his head so he was looking out the door, back still pressed against the wall. “Did you see what the one that attacked me looked like?”

“...It moved fast” said Rhys, scrunching up his face; he hadn’t been looking, he’d only really seen a blur of movement as he’d turned, then another as he’d answered Ianto’s phone and had it snatched from his hand. “it might’ve been blue?” he said. “Yeah, blue. Kind of… fuzzy. About this size.” He indicated about a foot and a half with his hands. “Oh! And one big eye, right in the middle.”

Ianto frowned. “Well” he said, as they stepped out of the other side of the show home, into the children’s toys section, “the good news is, that shouldn’t make it too hard to spot, when – _oh._ ”

Rhys nearly bumped into him, as Ianto stopped in his tracks. “What?” he said. “Did you see – _oh_.”

Before them was a display of children’s plush toys. Blue monsters, with six legs and single sewn-on eye. Above the display, a lot more of them were hanging from the ceiling, another display across the way just the same.

Ianto turned to look at him, rolling his eyes to the ceiling. “ _Well_. That’s just perfect.”

* * *

Gwen pressed the car horn, frustrated. “Ugh! Bloody rush-hour traffic!” she complained. “Look! The other direction’s clear, but because we’re heading out of the centre, then of _course_ –”

“Well, just drive off the road then!” snapped Jack.

“...Drive off the - _where?_ ” protested Gwen. “Tell me where, Jack, and I’ll happily drive there. It’s gridlock!”

“On that side–”

“Where? The pavement? Smash through the fence to the park?”

“There’s a gate just there...”

“I’m not bloody driving through the park! You can do whatever stunts you want in the SUV, but–”

“Hey, I don’t do _stunt_ _s–”_

Gwen snorted. “Yeah, you do.”

“–And anyway, I thought you wanted to go help Rhys and Ianto!”

“I do, but… Jack, calm down. They’re gonna be okay!” said Gwen. “Ianto’s trained for this, and Rhys… well, he isn’t, but he’s helped us before. He knows not to do anything stupid.” She inched the car forward a little, as traffic began to move at a crawl. “Besides, it’s just one little shapeshifting alien… how bad can it be?”

Jack breathed out. “...Yeah” he said. “You’re probably right.”

* * *

Another scream tore the air; an alarm was ringing somewhere, a few security guards in high-vis jackets rushing past.

“...Shit” said Ianto. “I hope Gwen and Jack bring more retcon with them. At this rate, once it’s all done I’m not going to have enough for the whole clean-up operation.”

“Here’s an idea. We split up” said Rhys. “Search all the show rooms. Then meet back here.”

Ianto gave him a slightly incredulous look. “And what are you going to do if you find it?”

Rhys paused, realising he had no idea. “Oh, you know” he said, airily. He raised his fists. “I thought, maybe… punch it?”

Ianto arched an eyebrow. “Punch it.”

“Well, I dunno, do I?” his eyes went to the stun gun at Ianto’s side. “Don’t suppose you’ve got any of those spare?”

“No” said Ianto. “And anyway, although I respect you Rhys, you’re–”

“...Not Torchwood, just a civilian. Yeah, I know” said Rhys, with a sigh. “Well, it was worth a try.”

“No, no I don’t blame you” said Ianto, consolingly. “It was a good idea. Sort of.”

“Thanks” said Rhys. He thought for a moment. “Don’t you have some sort of... um, some sort of alien containment... thing?”

“Just on my person, on a trip to Ikea? Can’t say I do, no.”

“Well, you’ve got a bloody stun gun, so I just thought I’d check.” Rhys sighed. “Um...okay” he said, thinking aloud. “Well, then, we’ll have to think of something else, won’t we? ...Oh! Did Jack say how they cornered it last time? In the eighties, that is?”

“They used a sedative dart to bring it down” said Ianto. “Jack and Gwen are bringing the dart gun with them, but they’ll be a while… we need to contain it in the meantime.”

Rhys sighed. “Well, I hate to be the one to suggest this but...” he glanced around, eyes falling on a stack of sturdy plastic storage boxes, “if it’s containment we want...”

Ianto followed his gaze. “Oh! Trap it under a box like you’re taking a spider outside. Genius.”

The thing about Ianto, Rhys had learned, was that it wasn’t always easy to tell when he was being sarcastic and when he was being genuine. “It’s nothing fancy, but it’s the best I can think of” he said, a little defensive.

“No, no, it’s better than anything I can come up with” admitted Ianto. “Let’s try it.”

* * *

In the passenger seat, Jack was frowning as he lowered the phone. “Rhys isn’t picking up either, now.” On his lap, he squinted at the PDA. “And there are reports of the police being called to the scene. Some sort of emergency...”

Gwen sighed deeply. “You know what? Bollocks to this traffic jam. I’m driving through the park.”

And that was how, ten minutes later, they’d ended up with a flat tire and several police cars around them as they were issued with a ticket. Jack was talking to the officers, flashing them his Torchwood ID – and his best smile – while Gwen bit back a scream of frustration, kicking the low stone wall and hurting her foot. Swearing under her breath, she turned back to Jack.

And then recognised a familiar face, just arriving at the scene. “Andy!” she said, running up to him. “Andy, I need a favour!”

“Oh, _what_ a surprise” said Andy, rolling his eyes. But it was affectionate. He frowned, looking over Jack and the car. “Need towed, I suppose?”

“No – I mean, yes, but...” Gwen smiled at him, beseechingly. “Jack and I need a lift to Ikea. Please?”

Andy gave her a confused look. “Why–” he sighed. “You know what, never mind. Get Captain Flash over there and hop in the car.”

* * *

The plan, Rhys thought, had been sound in theory.

Rhys was wondering how it had gone so wrong as he burst through a pink beaded curtain and was met with the sight of Ianto wrestling with a small – but apparently surprisingly strong - blue alien, on the floor of a fake child’s bedroom. Ianto was holding it at arms length – just about – as it lashed its stinger at him, chittering and thrashing madly. It looked furious, Rhys thought, and Ianto was barely able to keep it from wriggling away. “Rhys! On three! One...”

Rhys held up the box, at the ready.

“ _Ow_... Two...”

Rhys bounced on the balls of his feet, trying to get a good angle with the plastic box.

“Thr– _ah!_ ”

The creature had wrenched itself out of Ianto’s grasp, chittering wildly, its stinger flying out and jabbing Ianto in the wrist. Instantly, his body went limp on the lime-green rag rug, the creature skittering up the wall and heading for the light fitting.

Rhys had only a split second to think.

He dropped the box, grabbing the stun gun from Ianto’s holster.

But at that moment the creature darted out through the door and away.

For a second Rhys was torn; he really didn’t want to leave Ianto here on his own. But he also didn’t want to lose the creature. “Just wait right there!” he said over his shoulder, as if Ianto could do anything else. “Be right back!”

And then he was gone, dodging a very surprised family, jumping over a child’s bed displayed in the hallway.

“Hey! Follow the arrows, mate!” he heard a voice yell from behind him. But Rhys ignored it, running after the blue blur scurrying across the ceiling.

At last, he saw it dart into another show room. Swinging around through the door, he saw it was a bathroom.

Behind the plastic shower curtain he could see something blue in the bath, wriggling and chittering.

“Got ya!” he muttered, pulling aside the plastic shower curtain. He held up the stun gun, prepared to fire.

And then he froze.

There, in the bathtub, he saw three tiny baby aliens, perfect miniature copies of the adult. Around them were various mangled lightbulbs, phones, chewed-up batteries, and miscellaneous electronics, making up a sort of nest. Rhys blinked a few times, and the creatures blinked their single eyes back, all at once.

“Aw, but you’re just babies!” he said, lowering the stun gun. “Was that your mum that came through the Rift, eh? ...Or maybe your dad? Don’t know how it works for aliens...” he frowned down at the babies, which were now blinking faster, making faint keening noises of obvious distress. “Um... now, listen, I don’t want to hurt you. But–”

“Rhys! Behind you!”

Rhys whirled, at the sound of Ianto’s voice. The very first thing he saw was something blue and fuzzy, hissing like an infuriated cat as it swung from the shower curtain. He yelled, and it screamed back, lunging towards him with its stinger; he just managed to dodge it, and it slammed into the wall, shrieking.

And then, a box was slammed down over it, Ianto holding it to the wall with his full weight as it thrashed around inside.

The two of them stared at each other, as Ianto held the box against the wall.

And then, began to laugh.

“Excellent use of the get-a-box-over-it trick!” said Rhys, levering himself painfully up; he’d definitely bruised something on the side of the bathtub, leaping away from the creature like that.

“Well, I can’t really take the credit. It was your idea” said Ianto, who was breathing hard. He peered over at the bathtub. “And I know Jack said only one came through the Rift, but... apparently it was pregnant? Who knew.”

“What’ll you do with the babies?” said Rhys, apprehensively. He felt rather protective of them suddenly.

“Oh, you know. Experiment on them, study them, lock them up and never let them see their parent again...” Ianto raised his eyebrows at the look on Rhys’s face, and it was then that Rhys realised he was joking. “No! No, don’t worry. I expect we’ll keep them for a little while – together with the adult – and then send them back through the Rift when the opportunity presents itself.” He smiled wryly. “Never let it be said that Torchwood doesn’t take childcare seriously.” Before Rhys could say anything else, Ianto was wincing, as the creature thrashed against the side of the box. “Help me with this?”

“’Course!” said Rhys.

“Thanks” said Ianto, as between them, they very slowly slid the plastic bathmat between the box and the wall. “Don’t know what I’d’ve done without you.”

Once they were done – the babies in the same box as the adult, being cuddled amidst its fur, and a plastic lid firmly on top – they stood still for a moment, leaning on each others’ arms and catching their breath. “Oh” said Rhys, handing Ianto back the stun gun. “Thanks for this. Didn’t get a chance to use it, but...”

“Didn’t need to” said Ianto, nodding. “Always the best – _ow_ – outcome.”

“You okay?” said Rhys. “You had two doses of that toxin...”

Ianto winced, leaning slightly more heavily on him. “I’ll be fine” he said, rather ashen-faced still. “Maybe... we could go get a drink of water though...”

“Of course” said Rhys, picking up the box. “Come on, mate. In fact...” he looked at his watch, “Gwen and Jack might still be a while, with the traffic at this time. What d’you say to dinner, hmm? Meatballs are on me.”

Ianto looked up at him. “...That sounds good, actually. Let’s do that.”

* * *

Once Andy had finally found a place to park the police car and drop them off – too far from the entrance for either of their liking, but everywhere else was full, as he’d explained while both Gwen and Jack grew more and more impatient – the two of them were off, hefting cases of equipment and running for the entrance.

“The trace I’ve set up on Rhys’s phone says they’re upstairs” said Gwen, running for the escalator. “It's… this way! Come on!”

Jack overtook her, taking the escalator stairs three at a time to the upper foyer, outside the restaurant. She stopped at the top, looking left and right.

“Where are they?”

“...There!” said Jack, sounding a little incredulous.

Gwen turned to look, and exchanged a glance with Jack. “...Huh.”

“... _Huh_ ” he said too. “Guess they really did have it handled.”

The two of them approached the table where Rhys and Ianto were sitting, surrounded by various purchased boxes, bags and flatpacks. They went cautiously; Gwen didn’t want to let down her guard just yet.

As they came closer, Rhys’s voice carried over to them. “See, I’ve _told_ Gwen, I’ve told her, weevil blood doesn’t come out with normal washing powder. Leaves a funny brown stain. Do some experiments in that underground lab of yours, I said, and maybe you’ll find something better… in the end she had to tell her mum she’d spilled tomato soup down herself, only it was such a lot of it... must’ve thought she’d spilled the whole bowl. No, the whole pot!”

Ianto laughed. “For next time” he said, gesturing with his fork, “the secret is peroxide. More than you’d think. Also though, I’ve got a dry-cleaner I’ve developed an... understanding with. You wouldn’t _believe_ what happens to Jack’s coat on a daily basis.”

“God, I don’t even want to think about it” said Rhys, setting down a meatball back on his plate with his fork. “You know what? Jack should count himself lucky to have you, with the way you look after him.”

Ianto paused for a moment, and then said, in a soft voice, “well, someone has to.”

Gwen stole a glance at Jack under her eyelashes; beside her he’d gone very still, listening intently.

Luckily it was at this point that Rhys looked up and met Gwen’s eye. His face lit up, and he waved to her. “Oh, hello love!” he said. “Look who I bumped into!”

She exchanged another look with Jack, as Ianto twisted around in his seat and gave them a nod.

Jack came over, leaning his hand on the back of Ianto’s seat and looking doubtfully at the table. “Dinner for two, huh? Should Gwen and I start getting jealous?”

“If you do that’s entirely your own issue, sir.”

Jack smirked. “Guess we can assume you aren’t in need of a heroic rescue after all, then?”

“Not today, no” said Ianto, reaching around and patting the back of Jack’s hand consolingly. He leaned down, rooting around one of the bags for a moment before pulling out a bag of mini cinnamon pastries, which he slid over to Jack. “Got you these at the bistro by the checkout, though. They’re those ones you like.”

Jack looked down at them, and smiled. “Aw, thanks Ianto!”

“Um?” said Gwen, looking between the three of them. “Am I missing something here? What about the alien?”

“Oh, that?” said Rhys. “All sorted.”

“What?”

“Yeah” he said. “I even cleaned up in the show rooms, while Ianto retconned the people that needed it.”

Gwen stared. “How did you even have enough retcon for everyone in this place?”

“I didn’t” said Ianto with a shrug. “But we realised that only a few people has seen anything really conclusively alien. Everyone else just saw flashes of something out of the corner of their eye, and heard odd chittering and screeching sounds from behind walls in the show houses. The reasoning from then was that everyone's definitely seen weirder things happen in an Ikea.”

“...Yeah” said Gwen, looking at Jack, who was shrugging. “Yeah, okay, that’s fair.”

“And the alien?” said Jack. “What about the shapeshifter?”

“Shapeshifter _s_ , plural” said Ianto, indicating one of the boxes beside their table. On closer inspection, it was sealed with an extremely large amount of packing tape and string, and had several holes poked through the cardboard at the top. As if on cue, there was a mad chittering and a few small peeping sounds from inside. “Oh, shush” said Ianto, with a somewhat fond tone. “I just fed you… you can’t be hungry again.” Again, the same sounds. Ianto gave a put-upon sigh. “Oh, well, fine.” And as Gwen watched, he picked up a half-full packet of triple-A batteries from the table, dropping a couple through one of the holes. Inside there was a scuffling, and then some bizarre, metallic crunching sounds. Ianto shrugged at her and Jack’s faces. “The creature must’ve been pregnant when it came through the Rift. Until we can send it back, we’re all on babysitting duty.” He frowned. “I think the babies like Rhys better than me, though. Something about the way he hand-fed them batteries from an early age, I suppose.”

“I think I’ve just got a way with them” Rhys said, with a shrug.

“...Huh” said Jack, sitting down on the bench beside Ianto. “Well. Guess that’s done, then.”

Rhys smiled, as Gwen came to sit beside him, putting his arm around her. “Yeah. And after all that, Ianto even managed to get you a new sofa.”

Gwen laughed. “Oh, well, thank god for that!”

**Author's Note:**

> ~~Big Finish hire me challenge~~


End file.
